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Remember that Rihanna song about finding love in a hopeless place or some shit?

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Even though hearing it triggers a dormant form of PTSD in my TV dinner of a brain, I applaud it for bringing together two things that mesh so well together especially in this article ; love and hopelessness. So you turn to online dating and hope that the process is somewhat more merciful on your fragile psyche.

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So come with me as I relay with you my experiences and soon to be yours through the horrific world of Egyptian online dating. Guest starring with me in this mistake is a kindred female spirit that I'll refer to as Dr. The good Doctor has had a veritable mound of experience and she's reeling from it allshe also happens to have a vagina, giving this article more weight and equality.

OK Cupid was one of the first real dating-services-turned-app way back when Britney Spears and MySpace were still relevant ha-ha, referential humour, ha-ha.

I have a soft spot for OKC because it gives you an actual profile to fuck around with and customize to match your actual loser self. You have free reign over your sexuality, gender and relationship format even if most folks around here only know "gay" and "not gay".

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On many a dating service here in the groin of the universe, the male-to-female ratio is about, oh say, 7 to 1. I remember my last experience with OKCupid; without going into too many details, it started with a horrifically bad joke, evolved into awkward beers at some rooftop in a place I don't want to remember, followed by a riveting talk about intersectional feminism and the benefits of a weekly avocado facial, before ending with a drunk Big Mac. She's my closest friend now.

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I think it's not entirely unusable but it's full of that special breed of misogynist that is the Egyptian "liberal" man. They think that liberal means wanting to have sex with them.

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If you try to talk feminism or politics or anything that's not sex with them, the get angry that you're a person. It's full of that special breed of misogynist that is the Egyptian "liberal" man. Badoo started life in Russia; a place where bears are fun drinking buddies and the size of your hat denotes your stature in society.

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Throughout the years, it managed to spread like unchecked herpes throughout the connected world, with a similar formula to OKC; you customize your profile to make yourself appear less like a trainwreck and more like a double decker disappointment with 'sex appeal'. It started with a sad make-out session in the Carrefour parking lot in Maadi, evolved into death threats for not replying to a text within 20 minutes complete with knife emojisa miserable plan to abort an imaginary child, only to end with a pair of broken glasses she had a mean swing.

That was back when it was actually functional, though. Nowadays, it tries its hardest to milk you for money so that people can notice you exist, or even to start a pitiful conversation about the weather or the colour of their dental dam.

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Don't discount it entirely, though; Badoo somehow manages to provide more consistent than Tinder, especially here in Egypt. Whether it's the game-like aspect giving people more incentive to stay on it and suck up fake confidence or the fact that people there are actual people miserable as they may be and not robots or rapists.

Badoo in Egypt offers the user a thorough look at what folks are like without that faux veil of composure, which I personally find attractive.

All in all, Badoo gets a disappointing 1 used condom out of 7. And for a time, it was fruitful; some of the most interesting and harrowing experiences of my not-so-private-anymore life came as a result of Tinder.

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Beers were had, faces were violated, great friends were made and life was less shit. But in Egypt? It doesn't really go down as smoothly as it used to anymore; even with Tinder's inherent focus on fast times and cheap thrills, it often loses whatever composure it had when used in Om El Donia.

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Even with Tinder's inherent focus on fast times and cheap thrills, it often loses whatever composure it had when used in Om El Donia. I've had my fair share of Tinder dates, and as hard as it is to believenone of my Tinder dates were truly remarkable and the sun is, again, hot. The same goes for the folks I know who used it. Tinder dates in Egypt tend to be doomed from the start; if it isn't the mentality of most of its user base, it's the slowly shifting fact that dating in Egypt, regardless of medium, is more of an arduous exercise in tedium than anything else.

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Sure, Tinder will eventually get you laid despite the ordeal that it is in Egyptit'll nab you a friend or two and it may even boost your confidence. That's not the case most of the time, though, and if you're relying on Tinder for validation They're not even just looking to arrest people; some look like they legit want a date, or a wife.

It's fucking with my understanding of life. Popo is for jail, not sex.

So it gets a morbid 4 out of 6 tear -stained tissues from my end. Going into the wasteland of penis that is the personals section of CL will give you access to the many, many totally not policemen and absolutely not organ harvesters across Egypt. Most people are blissfully unaware that we have Craigslist here in Egypt, and better off for that fact, but if they happen to have the guts and emotional void to actually go through with it, they can waltz right into the personals section and start finding the sin of man.

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Feeling even more desperate? Brass tacks, though, you have to be careful when it comes to using Craigslist; much like a certain other appit's usually full of police waiting to entrap, con artists and extortionists waiting to get their mitts on your personal info or tasteful nudist photography. Even the site itself warns you about the hilariously big chance of catching an STD Hepatitis Xbut if you're that bravego at it at your own discretion, and know that the male to female ration there is somewhere in the neighbourhood of Dating, however much of an ordeal it may be, is ultimately fun.

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Dating apps facilitate the process further for most of us who have no time to shower and go out into the real world, what with the whole job and slow approach off the mortal coil. So try to take my almost entirely satirical take on dating apps for insight rather than a final verdict and try them out yourself.

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If you just so happen to have your own input about these dating apps and services or if you want to date me, please love melet me know, yeah? The startup will use the Pre-Series A investment to follow through with rapid scaling plans, including pan-African expansion.

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Just be sure to wear some clothes that can withstand a little splatter. Your search is finally over.

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Ahmed Ikram takes you on a miserable waltz through the world of online dating in Egypt. On many a dating service here in the groin of the universe, the male-to-female ratio is about, oh say, 7 to 1 I remember my last experience with OKCupid; without going into too many details, it started with a horrifically bad joke, evolved into awkward beers at some rooftop in a place I don't want to remember, followed by a riveting talk about intersectional feminism and the benefits of a weekly avocado facial, before ending with a drunk Big Mac.

Overall, OKC gets a solid 2 out of 6 fuckbois on my proprietary fuckboi scale.

Badoo: From Russia without Love Badoo started life in Russia; a place where bears are fun drinking buddies and the size of your hat denotes your stature in society. Your odd toyear-old ball of insecurity, suffering parent and abandonment issues with a healthy splash of bad camera angle. Craigslist gets a stupendous 7 out of 9 organ coolers from me.

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